Posts Tagged ‘Murdoch’

Monday, April 19th, 2010

trufax :(

Friday, April 16th, 2010

FROtography of the Day: Murdoch being a good boy and posing for me all googley eyed while I take his picture.

It’s been 3 weeks TODAY….since you were taken from me puppy, I miss you so fucking much :’(

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Birthday video we made for our friend Jennifer in 2007 staring a special guest! Ignore the annoying bird in the background, haha

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

FROtography of the Day: Murdoch smelling the roses my dad gave me for Valentine’s Day (2010).

Dreams

Wednesday, April 14th, 2010

Last Night

I had a weird fucking dream. I don’t remember much about it, which is normal for me once I wake up or start talking about it.

All I remember was that there was a shitload of trips coming up and I just randomly got lucky with have a stack of cash, so it was up to me to pay for everyone’s tickets and them pay me back.

Well all I remember was freaking the fuck out about not having enough money for all the different tix/trips I was paying for. From what I remember was one trip/tix total was like $396; then there was one that was like $542 and then one that was like $209.

And all I kept thinking was ‘omg I dont have that fucking much in my banking account’. It also seemed no one else was freaking out or cared, because I made sure to say it over and over, since I was hanging out with Leilani, Katie, Angelina & Erin….which so happened to be the people that would at some point have to pay me back for these tickets.

I woke up feeling like I wasn’t going to get paid back by any of them. Twas a fucking weird ass dream. Really felt real too because even halfway through the day today I had to check my banking account to realize that I didnt actually make those purchases.

Which ended up being funny because Katie texted me later in the day saying that there were tickets in fact available for 30STM (we thought it was sold out) so I did end up actually making a few tix purchases for us today, haha.

Night Before Last

I had a dream that I went over to Vinnie’s house…..kinda for like a ‘goodbye’ since the hockey season just ended and I defiantely wont be seeing him til MAYBE August. Plus when I do see him next he’s gonna be a damn daddy, since his girlfriend is due in May, i think O_o

To me it felt like a ‘closure’ type of visit……it was also one of those outer body experience dreams but then it wasn’t, it was weird.

Anyways, I was sitting on his couch, which was this really long black leather couch. Wait I take that back I sat on his coffee table or was it a foot stool first? Because I remember I was sitting in front of him when I first congratulated him on becoming a daddy which he smiled really big and thanked me………THEN I sat on the couch.

Which like I said was REALLY LONG, he sat on the other side and even though it looked like I should be yelling at him to hear me, we never raised our voices over a regular conversation volume.

Anyways the convo like i said started with me congratulating him on being a daddy and then just went into ‘remember when’s and shit, since I’ve been a fan of this guy for 10 years now. It was a really cute conversation with alot of laughing, it felt like talking with an old friend. Which it normally does with Vinnie, but him being celebrity I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t see it the way I do.

Either way everytime I would turn my head while talking for whatever reason I would turn back and Vinnie would have scooted a little closer towards me on the long ass couch.

O_o

Then at one point I think (cant really remember) that he got up and went to get him something to drink (i declined) and when he came back to sit on the couch he sat even more closer to me. Like we went from like to a 2 person length space apart to maybe an arm apart. Which I’m VERY aware of this, I would keep stopping in whatever it was I was saying, realize I was staring and then try to continue AND remember what i was talking about, since I’d start freaking out.

By then I kinda wanted to test out this theory, so I turned my head again, looking around the room and within seconds before I turned my head back, I could hear the leather creak & moan as he moved closer to me. And of course once I turn back around he was half an arms length from me.

Needless to say I giggled a little, because the whole time he’s doing this everytime I would look back at his face he’d have this complete pokerface like nothing was happening. Even when I giggled this last time!

I like playful Vinnie so I waited a few minutes before turning my head again and kept my head turned a bit longer then all the times I did before and that’s when I felt his leg touch mine.

O_O

As I turned back to him, my whole body became flush with his and again I look up at him with I know I had a deer in the headlights/hot & bothered face (YES IT DOES EXIST) and again saw his pokerface.

My brain at this point is going absolutely insane, because he was sitting RIGHT NEXT to me, which then made me think if I turn my head again does that mean he’ll be in my lap? Or vice versa?

Oh how my inner self started clapping and yelling “HERCULES! HERCULES!” in my head.

That’s also around the same time I realized that ever since he sat back down from getting his drink that he hadn’t uttered a word.

And I had already made up my mind that I wanted to turn my head to see what happened next, so I started talking about something totally pointless since I knew neither of us were really paying attention or trying to keep a conversation.

Then everything that happened next happened in slow mo.

I turned my head.

And then I felt a pressure on my lips.

A warm and wet kinda nice pressure.

Slow mo over, I turn my head back to him in alarm.

Did he just kiss me?

Noooooooooooo FUCKING way.

Looking at his lips confirmed it, because they were now wet and yummier looking.

Time must of went on forever and I must of been staring, because his pokerface immediately started to melt away and the left side of his lips turned up in a sweet little smile.

Which I turned my body towards his side and smiled back.

I then gripped his shirt collar using it to pull myself onto him, straddling his lap.

I kneeled like that over him, gripping his collar and just looking into his eyes and just got lost in them.

I was asking for permission to kiss him just by staring at him like this, even though he had kissed me first.

I never thought the permission would ever been given until I felt his huge warm, rough hands rest on my back, inching up under the back of my shirt.

Which I sighed to myself and then started pulling his collar, bringing his beautiful face towards me.

Then I woke up.

*throws bucket of cold water on self*

Oh and did I mention Vinnie looks like this?

A Dream I WOULD Like To Have

Besides the continious of the dream of above, lol.

I would like to have a dream about Murdoch. I was talking to my friend Megan on twitter the other day and she lost her dog 4 years ago and she had a dream about saying goodbye to her dog.

And I would love to have that, because I never got to say goodbye to Murdoch either, granted I know he’s still here with me, but I would love to talk to him and see his butt shake one last time :-/

But if its one of those this or that type of situations, then I rather just have Murdoch with me always then saying goodbye…..just so there’s no confusion :)

trufax

Monday, April 12th, 2010

This is Murdoch….

2 weeks & 3 days. I miss you puppy :(

Its been 2 days

Monday, March 29th, 2010

2 days since my mom flung open my door telling me to get up and come help her bury Murdoch.

2 days since my mom went over to the guy’s house that found Murdoch to retrieve him from the gray he gave him, just to bring him so that we could bury him next to his brothers.

2 days since it was confirmed with my own eyes that my precious puppy was indeed dead.

2 days since I stood watching as my dad dug a hole next to Jack & Homi.

2 days since I had to find the strength to help my mom wrap Murdoch in a blanket that I know he loves (a blanket i stole from one of my Delta flights on one of my many trips years ago) and then lay him in the ground. Spreading rose petals over him.

2 days since I watched as my dad filled in the hole with dirt, seperating me and Murdoch with earth….forever.

2 days since Leilani arranged all my friends who knew and loved Murdoch to come over and have a semi goodbye ceremony for him….them.

2 days and I still cant describe to you what it is I feel like and I don’t think I ever will.

For awhile I thought about these feelings and through it would be easiest thinking it’s the same feelings as when my grandma & grandpa died, but as of now I really can’t remember how I felt when they passed.

All I know right now is I feel like I just….exist.

Like I’m afraid to feel anything because I know I’m hanging on by a thread and don’t wanna let go.

Don’t really want to let my brain connect to my heart and just breakdown.

I don’t really wanna KNOW that my puppy is gone, even though I saw him laying dead in front of me.

I even took a picture of him, as morbit as that may sound, because I know sooner or later I won’t believe it and need proof again…….and again……and again.

I do know one thing that is similar with the passing of Murdoch with the passing of my grandparents, is I feel like I’ve had to split my personality again. One for me……..and one for all of you.

The one for you showing no weakness and just being the normal funny Amber you guys all know and love (i hope) and the one for me, the one that just wants to crawl into the deepest darkest hole and just wants to die, or be left alone.

But I don’t wanna be left alone because that’s when my mind won’t shut up and it makes my heart hurt.

Today was my first day back at work, in which I almost called off because of how confused I am with how I feel, the last thing I wanted to do was randomly breakdown and people be all O_o at me.

Cuz let’s face it ALOT of people do not understand why people mourn over pets like they’re real people. I simply think it’s because they’re fucking heartless cunts or they’ve never had a pet or just the first part all together.

With me, my pets…….my dogs have NEVER been PETS, they have been friends and in Murdoch’s case my fucking kid :’(

Growing up I had NO FRIENDS, so all I had was my dog I had at the time. And for some reason when I was little my dogs kept ending up passing away. The longest I had a dog before Murdoch was I think 3 years……………Murdoch would of been 13 in December this year.

Not downing on all the other dogs I have, because they were INDEED THE SHIT, but I got Murdoch when I was 15 and I pretty much raised him like he was in fact my kid. Played with him, cuddled with him, talked to him, talked THROUGH him back to me, took him on car rides and more importantly loved him with every single drop of my pathetic self.

Any one of my friends can tell you how happy a dog Murdoch was and it was because of how much I fucking loved him and he knew it, because he loved me too. I could just see it everytime I looked into his eyes or from the obviousness of the wagging of his butt……since his tail was pretty much nonexistent, lol.

Murdoch was the perfect dog, which is what I’ve always thought all my others would of turned out had they lived as long as Murdoch did, but they didn’t and in a way I think it was fate, because otherwise I would of never got Murdoch…………..my Titanic dog………my real life angel sent from above.

Murdoch was born December 19, 1997…………which if anyone know that’s the same date Titanic the movie was released into theaters. Which is in fact my favorite fucking movie. We got Murdoch because my dog Bubba died the summer before….the day we were moving from Jacksonville to here, so he was Bubba’s replacement.

I remember in the spring of ‘98 my mom taking me to get him, since she had already picked him out or paid for him, i fell in love with him the minute I saw him. He was so fucking tiny and had the biggest fucking pitch black eyes I ever saw. You wouldnt know he was real until he blinked because his eyes blended in so well with the rest of the black on his face. He was the runt of the litter and no one wanted him, so of course my mom took him.

I remember seeing him sit on the backseat of my mom’s car all by himself, whimpering because he missed his siblings & parents. Which then my mom turned to me laughing and was like “guess when his birthday is?” which I had no clue but when she told me, I knew he was a sign from God. My own little angel sent to help me out in the coming years with tough times.

And this precious thing did, he grew up to be a warm, happy, outgoing….personality wise……puppy dog. Who would lick my foot just to tell me that he was here if I needed him, even though he couldnt talk back if I talked to him.

But I always thought he was wrong, because everytime I would say what I needed to…to someone (to listen to me), I would look at him and his eyes would show all the warmth and support and love anyone would ever need to get through whatever it was bothering them at the time. And whenever I was crying, he would attack my face with kisses trying to make me giggle instead of crying.

It worked everytime.

I named him after Mr. Murdoch from the movie Titanic, the actor who played him was a short cute little man that had a firey pimp walk, something I saw in this puppy. Hence officializing my ‘Titanic dog’…….my mom of course thought I should of named him Jack, but I didnt want to name a dog after Leo and plus Murdoch sounded cooler, especially since I told my mom he was ‘Mr. Murdoch’ to those that didnt know him :)

Whenever you were on the family computer…..the countdown of how long it would take for Murdoch to come over and greet you…..began. By jumping up on the side of the chair, looking you in the eyes and wagging his butt. The kid was fucking hardcore champion of smiling with his eyes, he really was. So whenever he did that you couldnt help but smile at him and pet him or better yet his favorite…….picking him up and putting him in your lap while I surfed the internet.

That’s one thing I’m really gonna miss about him……..always crawling in or at least trying to crawl into my lap. My days would normally start with me waking up late as fuck into the afternoon, going to the bathroom and then walking into the kitchen area where the dogs were and sitting in the floor waiting for Murdoch to come from inside, see me sitting in the floor, smiling and charging me jumping into my lap, licking my face.

He was always so happy to see me and I him.

I miss that, no matter if he had seen me 5 minutes before, he’d always greet me like he hadn’t seen me in YEARS. I loved that, it made me feel truely loved for who I am, because to him I really felt like I was everything to him. And he’s everything to me :’(

I miss him so much.

I don’t wanna seem like it surprises me, but these past 2 days have made me hyperaware of how much my daily routine revolved around him. But now……now that he’s gone, I wake up and I truely feel like I have no purpose to be awake………to be alive.

There’s no one in the other room waiting for me to wake up and come cuddle with him every morning and every night before I go to bed.

There’s no one walking me out and watching me leave everytime I leave for work.

There’s no one running out the dog door when they hear my car returning from work and fighting the urge to charge my car, eager for me to get out and talk to him.

There’s no one begging to go on car rides by running up to my car door right before I’m about to close the door and giving me the ‘pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease’ puppy dog eyes, because he knows I’m not going far, but wants to go.

And worst of all, there’s no where here to help me through this…..this pain……….that person that helped me, he’s……he’s gone and I don’t know what to do :’(

No one knows how to act around me, because they know how bad it is that Murdoch is gone and I don’t know what to tell them. I’m sorry I feel stupid for feeling I’m dead inside because my dog died, but that’s really what it boils down to in ‘normal terms’.

I feel wounded………….broken………..and I havent felt like that in a long fucking time and I don’t like it.

I could resort to 15 year old Amber and scream and cry about how i’m “being punished” but I know I’m not. This is life and this is just one of the reasons why it can suck sometimes and you just let the hurt heal you into a stronger person. It’s what I’ve learned from a very young age……..I hate it, but that’s how it is.

I feel so selfish right now only wanting to talk about Murdoch and no one wanting to talk about him because they fear it’ll upset me.

He’s gone, that’s why I’m upset……..not because I’m talking about him. I can talk about him until I’m blue in the face, it’s not the talking about him that makes me upset. It’s not being able to run home and bury my face in his fur and take a big wift and be drowning in his adorable puppy smell that he still has after 12 years.

:(

I want my fucking puppy back :(

My mom the other day (who is having a hard time with it too, in her own way) told me that some filipino lady friend of her told her there’s this old ‘filipino saying’ that when a beloved pet dies it’s taking the place of another loved one/family member dying. Meaning my dog died so someone else could live. Which then my mom went on to say “maybe Murdoch took Travis’ place so that he’ll be safe in Afghanistan..”.

I’m sorry…………I love my brother, I really fucking do, but I’d rather have my fucking dog back and take the chances with him being in Afghanistan.

I know that makes me sound like the most horriblest person/sister on the face of the earth, but I really am fucking selfish when it comes to Murdoch and I’m pretty sure in other circumstances my opinion would be different, but as of right now, no…………I want Murdoch back :(

Another sad thing is Travis doesn’t even know yet………my mom didnt wanna tell him since he’s on his way to Afghanistan and he needs to really be alert and shit, but omg when he does find out it’s not gonna be good :(

He loved Murdoch almost as much as I did :(

Travis & Murdoch

I was trying to get to a point about work earlier in this blog, one of the reasons why I was so afraid of going was because my supervisor DJ talks ALOT about her dogs and I really think at this point that I’m just a ticking time bomb and can go off whenever and I really didnt wanna put myself in that situation.

But who knows maybe I need that?

I did find something out that made me laugh about her dogs, supposedly they knocked her over sometime Thursday morning and she twisted her ankle. I’m thinking Murdoch’s spirit somehow did that for me? haha

Either way I’m gonna be pretty messed up for awhile because of this, but please don’t feel like you have to walk around on egg shells because of it. I just miss my puppy dog, my kid, my fucking angel………..MY MR. MUDOCH OF THE RMS TITANIC :(

It’s gonna take me awhile to break all the routines that included him, so it doesn’t hurt so much, but just saying that out loud and thinking about having to force myself to do, it hurts even more and I dont even wanna change it, but I know I have to.

Like whenever I come home late, I’d always go through the back door so I could say goodnight to him, pet him, scratch his butt a bit and kiss him on the face, which he always kissed me back before I kissed him and then would walk me to the gate and watch me walk to my room before going back to his bed to sleep.

I’m gonna miss that.

And always spoiling him with scrap food, just because of how much of a good dog and ADORABLE he is :(

There’s just entirely too many memories of him in the kitchen area. Like this morning when I was fixing my lunch for work as soon as I stepped in there (first time by myself since we buried him) I instantly felt like I was being suffoicated and it was like I couldn’t fix my lunch fast enough so I could get the hell out of there. Then I felt bad because my mom 3 different times came in and asked me a question and I was really fucking snappy because she was distracting me from getting out of there faster.

:(

I’m gonna miss his kisses :(

I should just stop rambling and close this, but I’m glad I could say all this here. I can’t say it makes me feel better, but I’m sure it has helped some way :(

I do wanna thank everyone that’s putting up with me these passed few days and have showered me with love through this, I really appreciate and love you guys so much.

Thank you to Leilani, Jennifer, Courtney, Katie, Angelina & Erin for coming over for that candle visual for Murdoch. I hope you guys got to say your goodbyes, even though rpattz’ singing ‘I was Broken’ was kinda distracting *glares at Katie* but it was still nice.

I have decided that I will probably be painting something on Murdoch’s grave, as well as Homi’s & Jack’s as well (afterwards), so if any of you guys wanna help be apart of that let me know :)

I’m gonna be ok.

I dont wanna be ok cuz he’s not here with me, but i’ll be ok. I have to……..for him, but more importantly for myself. Otherwise it’s like a slap in the face to his entire existance, or at least to me it seems like it would be :(

I love you puppy and I miss you so much. I’ll never be able to say that enough to express how much I really do.

Please find Homi & Jack because everyone knows ALL DOGS go to Heaven, even if they were a pain in the ass to their brothers *glares at Homi* I’m sure they’re being taken care of by Mama, Papa and maybe even Tee. I know you only met them a few times but they’ll love you, because I did and you are a huge part of who I am & how I love.

I love YOU.

R.I.P. Mr. Murdoch
12/19/97 – 3/26/10

Murdoch doesn’t feel gone

Friday, March 26th, 2010

I LITERALLY just got home from my quickie trip to Camp Pendleton, CA to say goodbye to my little brother, Travis who left for Afghanistan early this morning. I went with my mom and his girlfriend Tuty. I was really excited about this trip because it was the first time my mom would be going to the LA area and being able to enjoy it for maybe just a day…….which didn’t happen.

But something that made it better was late last nite my dad surprised us all and flew in to say goodbye to Travis as well. Had a great time all being together laughing & joking around with our last moments with Travis, since he’ll be gone for 7 months.

Well like I said earlier I LITERALLY just got home from the airport and the first thing I do EVERYTIME I come home from a trip is to run into the kitchen area and hug one of my favorite people in the whole god damn world…………my dog, Murdoch.

Upon entering the room I immediately know he’s not there, because he would of been at the gate waiting for me and he wasn’t. So I calming say ‘he’s not here’ which my mom is all like ‘what do u mean he’s not here?!’ If you guys follow me on Twitter then you would know this is pretty normal, Murdoch tends to run away when he’s scared (like during thunderstorms)…….looking for me :(

The first thought in my head was that I’d have to deal with the pound cuz they might of picked him up (those people are ASSHOLES), my mom & I start calling him from the backyard and in one of our neighbors’ back yards was a screened in patio with the lights on and EVERY TIME we’d scream Murdoch’s name 3 different dogs, including one that sounded EXACTLY LIKE MURDOCH would start barking.

And this isn’t normal Murdoch barking (which he rarely does) this is the OMG I’M STUCK I CANT GET TO YOU COME GET ME RIGHT NOW type of hysterical barking he has done a few times over the years. So then my dad checks the voicemails to see if anyone had found him and called to tell us.

After a few minutes he handed my mom the phone who then made a O_O face, which I said, “I dont like the face you’re making”, so I stood there watching her listen and at one point she pulled the phone away from her ear and said, “he’s dead” and then went back to listening, which I immediately was like, “UM EXCUSE ME – WHAT?!”

And kept yelling ‘what?!’ at her until she replayed the voicemail and gave me the phone.

I heard a man’s voice saying that he had found our dog on the road hit by a car, that SHE was dead and that he gave HER a proper burial, but just wanted to let us know that our dog was no longer with us but has gone up to the big dog heaven in the sky.

I can’t even describe to you what happened next, because to be honest I really don’t remember, it was like an outer body experience. All I do know is that I was standing in my room with my hoodie over my head trying to make myself breath but I couldnt exhale at all.

Then when I finally did I did like a gasp choke type of thing and started bawling………..but it was a weird cry, because I dunno like I was sad, but it was like I didnt understand why I was sad because it didn’t seem real at all.

Like Murdoch doesn’t feel dead to me at all………then plus with the dogs barking when we called his name earlier and the shady ass voicemail I dunno it just all seems wrong.

Like something IS wrong, but he’s not dead, so I’m sitting here confused with the feelings I think I should be having but don’t.

The whole thing just sounds like someone took him and am trying to cover the tracks, because on the voicemail they didn’t leave their name, their number or where they found him or where they buried him.

It’s just all so fucking weird.

But then it’s like you don’t want yourself to get clungy to that idea because if it turns out being false and he really is dead, then the heart I own is as good as dead.

I just got off the phone with Leilani which helped alot because she loved Murdoch almost as much as me, so we ended up just talking about him and stuff I would make him say and going through his hilarious pics on his myspace & facebook (http://www.myspace.com/mrmurdoch & http://www.facebook.com/mystermurdoch).

So the plan so far is tomorrow my mom is gonna call the number back from the caller id and try and get some more info……so we can go unbury Murdoch and bring him home and bury him next to his brothers Homi & Jack, instead of in some stranger’s yard.

But I’m hoping & praying that instead of doing that, that it ends up not being true and I get to see his sweet dazzling face again.