This Is It Again


Went with my mommy today to see ‘This Is It’ again (her first time) and I cried like a little bitch this time. Because this time I went into it as a MJ fan and not a critic like I usually do and did the first time I saw it, haha.

I don’t even know where to begin, because leaving the theater today I had all this shit I wanted to say about this great entertainer, this amazing human being, but now that I’ve let time go by, my brain has gone on to other things.

Watching the movie this time around, I couldnt help but feel like a kid again and related to every song of his that he would perform on the screen in front of me and remember where I was when I first heard it or what that song meant to me as a child – BECAUSE HIS MUSIC MEANT ALOT TO ME GROWING UP.

I wanted TO BE Micheal Jackson in this video….

…and anyone that was a kid or even AN ADULT when this video came out did too, i don’t care what you say now haters, you know that you were rocking those fucking moves everytime you had the chance. Well I WAS every FUCKING DAY! My mom taped it on a vhs for me as well as the Making of Thriller and we watched it everyday and I danced to it everyday.



Because it didn’t end there…..I soon got hooked to ‘Beat It’ and his little ‘card throwing move’ that he does at the end, OMG I wanted to dance just like him!

Hell as I write this I have the Thriller playing in the background and I cant help but sway to it and fight the urge to get up and scream -


The man was a fucking genius as a child, teenager and an adult, why anyone let stupid RUMORS blind them to his genius is just pathetic to me and fucking sad as hell, because it took away from us fans because it pretty much haulted his creativity if you ask me and now he’s gone and we’ll never have that again.

And watching the movie during ‘thriller’ you could see him smiling like a little kid as him and his dancers did the dance and it made me love him more, because to me that smile symbolized that he was having fun because he KNEW by him doing that dance with his backup dancers that he was fullfilling one of their childhood dreams – to dance with MJ and not just ANY DANCE – THE FUCKING THRILLER DANCE!

That then made me sad because I would give ANYTHING to at least to do ONE OF THE MOVES from Thriller with him, but I can’t :(

HOLY SHIT SIDENOTE: I’m looking for MJ videos on this one MJ fan youtube account and i just opened their profile and ‘I wanna’ just started playing, which is the new video from The All-American Rejects, a.k.a. MY BOYS – total full circle O_o

But yea back to the movie, just watching it, the whole time it was like hit after hit after hit, that meant so much to me at some point in my life, whether it was wanting to be a dancing fool to one of his songs cuz it was that good or for other emotional reasons.

For example….

I never felt like I fit in ANYWHERE because I moved every 2 years of my life (until 10th grade) and then on top of that I’m half black & half white. So I was either to black to hang with the white kids or I acted to white to hang with the black kids, so half my life I just ended up being my own friend. Then to make things worse that caused me to pretty much destroy any self esteem I could of had growing up.

Constantly had my mom putting me on diets (which looking back now I WASNT FAT), people calling me ugly and then guys hitting on me, I never knew what to believe. So I would just think I was hideous and hide behind pony tails, jeans and baggy tshirts.

From The All-American Rejects' video 'Dirty Little Secret'.

From The All-American Rejects' video 'Dirty Little Secret'.

This card was actually used because it reminded them of me and it totally captures how i’ve felt about myself and how I think i’ll always feel about myself. Regardless I do have a ‘i dont care’ attitude to help with all that, but it still is the complete truth.

So in all that sense when Black or White came out, I felt like Michael Jackson write that especially for people like me, because he too was going through the same thing when it came to color and it’s just stupid. See me as a person or a personality not what I AM, because WHAT I AM isn’t WHO I AM.

I mean I even remember where I was when it premiered after The Simpsons, my family was all in the living room watching/waiting for it to start then when it did I’m pretty sure I went to my room and was immediately screaming the lyrics like it was sorta bible verse. Then the next day at school when EVERYONE was talking about it, I couldn’t help but feel proud like the video/song was in fact written about me, because it’s how I always felt……it doesnt matter if you’re black or white……..and people would always tell me it does.

Well once MJ says it, it’s truth.

And i’ve loved that song for that reason ever since then :)

Another song of MJ’s that i love dearly is the theme song fromĀ Free Willy ‘Will You Be There’. I used to make fun of the movie ALL THE TIME when it came out, but truth be told I went over and over to see it because of Michael’s song.

Even though this song was for a movie with a whale, i always felt this video was about Michael and that’s why I loved it so much. Because no matter how horrible people and the media were to him, this man, this incredible genius was still all about spreading the love and awareness on us making the world a better place.


He loved the simple things of life, the mystery of nature and the innocence of children. I LOVE THESE THINGS TOO and is, i believe the reason why people think I’m weird as well.

I am a 27 year old woman, who would rather go climb trees, color, giggle and just watch cartoons with my closest friends, then what other normal people my age would be doing, which is going out to clubs, drinking, having kids and getting married.

Which don’t get me wrong, having kids & getting married aren’t bad at all and I hope to do those things as well, but it’s because of my age and the fact that I don’t have these things or planning to do them LIKE RIGHT NOW that people see me as weird.

And I feel thats why people judged Michael so harshly as well, because we were the same in that aspect & probably another if not the main reason why I love and supported him so much, especially through the trails and stuff, trust me I cussed out ALOT of people in 6th grade, you don’t even wanna know.

I was lucky though and he didn’t perform this song in the movie, because I WOULD OF been a crying mess. And when I say crying mess, I mean can’t see, speak or keep quiet because I would be crying so hard. TRUFAX

However, they did play my recent favorite song and if that wasn’t bad enough they ENDED the movie with it….

I say recent favorite song, because it was just earlier this year that I rediscovered it and Leilani & me would jam it in the car on roadtrip dubbing it ‘Going to Church’ time, because if you listen to the song especially at the end, you REALLY feel like you’re in church.

And then on top of that, I need to change alot of things about me in order to do anything with my life (not true, just how i feel) so when he died, this song’s lyrics REALLY HIT ME HARD and now it’s almost as hard to listen to as ‘Will You Be There’.

So as soon as I heard the beginning chords start playing in the movie, i choked up and grabbed my hoodie since I immediately started silently crying. It was short lived though, because some kid was running around the theater crying because he couldn’t find his mom, which made me laugh, no idea why, haha

But yea seeing this movie again today with my mommy felt right, I got to see it as the MJ fan that I am and just realize how much I really do love this man, not just because of his talent but as a person who truely LOVES and believes in the power of love for making everything right.

I just wish this world would take his messages, his words and truely live by it as well.

I’m trying, its really hard, but that’s all that matters.

And don’t get me wrong, I WILL flick off an MJ hater………..its all for love.


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